It seems that in order to get lucky with a couple of girls, a chubby nerd needs not only to be a rich and famous, but needs to bribe them with drugs, as well.

Steven Page, lead singer and guitarist for the Barenaked Ladies, was arrested on June 16 for possession.

Around 2 a.m., New York police noticed a suspicious car abandoned with the driver’s side door standing wide open in front of a nearby apartment. Upon entering, they found Page…and two young women…and marijuana…and cocaine.

Page was arrested and charged with criminal possession of a controlled substance, and released himself after paying a $10,000 bail bond. He is due back in court Thursday to face charges.

So a lesson to all you kids who still watch Star Trek, wear pocket protectors and have tape on your glasses…just because you are a celebrity and leader of a popular rock group, you are still going to need more of a gimmick in order to get the hot chicks. Just don’t make it illegal drugs, or you will end up looking like an even bigger dork when you get busted for it.

Jessica Simpson, following in Jewel’s footsteps by attempting to become the next pop singer to break into country music, was laughed off the stage during her first country concert earlier this month.

Simpson, 28, was performing as the opening act for Sara Evans at the Country Thunder USA Festival in Randall, Wisconsin. She was greeted with cheers, jeers and boos and finally addressed the response directly to the audience.

“I don’t know what your perception is of Jessica Simpson or what tabloid you buy, but I just want you to know that I’m just a girl from Texas,” she said into the mic. “I’m just like you. I’m doing what I love and dating a boy.”

More boos followed. Now you know Nick Lachey is STILL laughing since he heard the news.

Simpson has proven in the past that good marketing and smart choices are not her strong suits. Does anyone remember the reality show with her husband, Newlyweds, or that Oscar-worthy performance in the Dukes of Hazzard?

And of course, she and Nick ushered in a whole new era of quality family television with the Nick and Jessica Variety Hour in 2004.

I think that the producers of that show are still in therapy.

Trust us, just because you may have dated the same man, that does not make you the next Carrie Underwood.

Or, as one concertgoer so eloquently summed it up, “She is an embarrassment to country music.”

Don’t worry, Jessica. This incident just shows that you have a niche with comedy. If you are willing to become an animated caricature, you have a job waiting for you on The Simpsons….you already have the correct last name

According to a statement released by her publicist, Natalie Cole has been diagnosed with hepatitis C.

The publicist states that the disease was most likely a result of Cole’s past drug use.

The disease attacks the liver and is contracted through contact with infected blood.

“I’ve been so fortunate to have learned so much from my past experiences,” Cole said. “I am embraced by the love and support of my family and friends; I am committed to my belief in myself and in my abiding faith to meet this challenge with a heartfelt optomism and determination. This is how I intend to deal with this current challenge in my life.”

Cole, 58, the daughter of Nat King Cole and a successful singer in her own right, has battled drug addiction in the past, fighting dependencies on both heroin and crack cocaine.

A former neighbor of hers when she lived in Los Angeles in the 1970s remembers drug dealers coming in and out of her residence and Cole getting high in front of her home.

“She would be outside with her dog, scoring drugs,” he said.

Entering rehab in 1983, Cole began a long and tumultuous battle back from near death due to her crack addiction.

In spite of some side effects from the medication used to treat hepatitis C, Cole’s physicians say she is responding well and they are confident in either a cure or a stable environment in which to control the disease.

We wish you all the best, Natalie, and hope for a speedy recovery.

Former boy band promoter Lou Pearlman is back behind bars, sitting around his cell (and we mean sitting AROUND his cell) and trying to figure out where he is going to come up with the $300 million he has to return to those he cheated.

On July 16, U.S. District Judge G. Kendall Sharpe ordered the convict to pay the minimum amount to compensate for a decades-long scam that the promoter swindled out of banks and investors alike, known as the “Ponzi scheme”.

The restitution amount is not set in stone, either. Prosecutors have requested another $124 million be tacked on as interest penalties. The judge has delayed that order and will revisit at a later date.

“That is unfair,” said Fletcher Peacock, Pearlman’s defense attorney. “Adding interest will only dissuade Pearlman from repaying any of his debt.”

Excuse us??? Since Baby Huey has had all of his assets seized and is currently sitting AROUND the jail in Orange County, whether the total is $300 million or $424 million seems to be a moot issue. Sure, once he is transferred to a permanent prison facility, he can get a job making anywhere from 12 cents to $1.15 per hour. Of course, his choice of prison jobs will be limited, as many jobs would require actually being able to reach your arms past your gut.

Also, there will probably be no prison jobs available that involve close physical contact with teenage boys, and Baby Huey most likely will be underqualified for anything else.

The creepy, grotesquely obese promoter has been credited for putting together both ‘N Sync and the Backstreet Boys and made millions in the 1990s by providing his musical acts with contracts that cheated them out of royalties and fair wages, a practice that caused his boys to turn against him over.

Well, that and the gross way he would touch them, as well.

Altogether, it is estimated that Baby Huey bilked people out of nearly $400 million. He is currently serving a 25 year prison sentence for the fraud at the Orange County jail, awaiting a transfer to a prison facility that has yet to be determined.

We’ve had a look at the long-awaited film The Dark Knight, and here’s our verdict, courtesy of David Appelman:

The Dark Knight is a movie of epic proportion and is a summer must-see.

After seeing their extensive Joker-based viral marketing I had high hopes for the movie and Heath Ledger’s role as the Joker, and I was not disappointed. Heath Ledger’s performance was almost too perfect as “an agent of chaos�; with no rules he is truly a terrifying villain. Line delivery was impeccable, and as much as I love Jack Nicholson, he has been put to shame by Heath Ledger’s last amazing performance.

The Dark Knight also introduces another villain to us: Two-Face. We follow his transformation into a villain and the film answers questions by giving explanations for his appearance and his love of chance. Aaron Eckhart does a marvelous job changing character as the film progresses, and you can see this golden boy slowly become corrupted by the world around him.

The Dark Knight himself did a great job of being the hero, as he should be. He plays by different rules than other heroes. He’s not afraid to get his hands dirty, and he is a little bit reckless in the process…

Makeup for this movie was phenomenal. If the acting doesn’t convince you then the makeup surely will. The Joker wears a full face of makeup; in the entire movie you only see a brief glimpse of him without it. His face starts to look more and more disheveled as his makeup cracks and smears. Even more disturbing in appearance was Two-Face, who was positively gruesome. Publicity photos of his appearance looked gross enough, but watching him talk and seeing his tendons and muscles stretch under his skin is almost painful to behold.

One particularly interesting aspect of The Dark Knight is the ethical questions it raises – such as when the Joker gives people an ultimatum: either you kill them or they kill you. When faced with the choice of taking another person’s life versus giving your own, what can you do? This is a crucial component to the movie, as people begin to turn on others to save their own lives. Who is worth more: a boat full of condemned thieves and murderers, or a boat full of innocent civilians? Who really has the right to give somebody’s life a value?

There were a few let-downs, like Rachel Dawes played by Maggie Gyllenhaal instead of Katie Holmes. I understand that she refused the offer because she was too busy, but I think Katie would have been a perfect Rachel Dawes. The Lamborghini left something to be desired, because I had always pictured it differently. In all likelihood their version is more realistic. I was further displeased that the traditional bat cave was not pictured – it was instead also replaced by something more realistic.

Overall the movie was a success and you shouldn’t miss it. It has love, tragedy, and chaos - who could ask for more?

Hulk Hogan is proving time and time again that he is determined to show the same grace and dignity about his public image and exposure of his private life as he has always done with his wrestling (more accurately, rasslin‘) career.

The 54-year-old wrestling superstar, whose real name is Terry Gene Bollea, is more than happy to reveal every sordid detail of the self-destruction of his dysfunctional family to the media, which includes one child in jail, the other a party-loving waste of space, and a soon to be ex-wife who is now dating a 19-year-old boy.

“It’s Ashton and Demi gone bad,” daughter Brooke said of her mother’s relationship with the teenager.

We thought the whole Ashton and Demi thing was ALREADY a situation “gone bad”. Considering how pathetic it is to watch an aging movie star using a young boytoy while her aging movie star ex-husband is so desperate to “keep the peace” that he is “pals” with both of them, we definitely did not consider them to be the ideal role models for the modern nuclear family.

POST-nuclear, maybe.

And now they are being lifted up by the Hogans as an example of what happens when a May-December romance goes well. OK, not saying that Republican conservatives are not crazy, but when they have seizures over stuff like this, we can kind of see their point sometimes.

Brooke, 20, is upset because she went to school with her mother’s new BOYfriend, and was actually a year ahead of him in school. In her career as a professional trollup, we have to wonder if Brooke has ever accpeted “gifts” from any “sugar daddies” in their 50s, and if so, if that is acceptable by comparison.

In August of 2007, Hogan’s teenage son Nick was involved in a car accident that landed his passenger in the hospital with serious brain injuries that will dabilitate him for the rest of his life. Nick was drunk at the time of the accident, and was sentenced to prison. His parents seperated shortly afterwards.

In light of the tabloid-worthy events befalling the family, their reality television show Hogan Knows Best (which Hulk Hogan now says was completely scripted) was put on indefinite hiatis.

Now, it has been announced that Brooke will star in the spinoff series that Hogan Knows Best has morphed into. With a title like Brooke Knows Best, we are excited to see how a blonde publicity chasing tramp with no real talent or claim to fame outside of her family’s name will go about vomiting words of wisdom and advice to the masses.

Oh wait, this show will no doubt be scripted like the original show was. OK, that’s better. Now at least we know that people with an IQ over 38 will be guiding the show and telling Brooke what to say.

In a ceremony that no one knew about until the guests actually arrived, Olivia Newton-John married her boyfriend of just over a year, fellow Australian John Easterling.

Believing they were coming to a Fourth of July barbecue, the couple’s closest friends and family instead found themselves at an informal union ceremony.

“So you’re telling me there’s no pork ribs? Only champagne, no beer? Darn it…”

This is merely the latest strange chapter in a celebrity’s very strange life. Newton-John, 59, started out as a country singer, slid into a squeaky-clean pop music diva, became an international superstar, then suddenly turned almost as nasty as Madonna before returning to her pop roots to become squeaky-clean once again.

In spite of high profile romances and a marriage to a much younger man, baffling rumors persisted that Newton-John was secretly a lesbian; rumors that never provided any basis in fact.

Next came a breast cancer diagnosis, then a highly publicized divorce after her husband was caught cheating. In 2005, her boyfriend of nine years, Patrick McDermott, disappeared while on a fishing trip and never resurfaced. Rumors have circulated ever since about what exactly happened and where McDermott is today, but not a trace of him has been found.

In 2007, her teenage daughter Chloe revealed that she has anorexia.

And do we even need to revisit Xanadu?

Whew! Does Easterling really know what he’s getting into? This does not sound like a woman who is going to stay home, raise his kids and knit booties. WAY too much drama for that.

Our advice to the new hubby: Don’t get busted kissing John Travolta before boarding a plane, and don’t take any fishing boats out to sea. In fact, watch your step and keep a lookout over your shoulder at all times. You’re walking into a mine field with this family, brother.

Later this year, Ozzy Osbourne will effectively wipe away the last ^%$#@ traces of integrity and shock value when his family returns to reality television with a new &*$#@ variety show.

The new weekly program, which will feature %$@#! musical segments and comedy sketches, should convince even the most diehard metal fan who still believes in the man who sang “Mr. Crowley” that Ozzy the man is long %$#@! gone!

Ozzy, Sharon, Jack and Kelly Osbourne will return to the $#^% small screen in the fall with an as- yet-untitled show on the $%#@& Fox network.

OK, Black Sabbath fans, are you listening? Are you still with us? If there are ANY of you left who still think Ozzy is the Prince of Darkness, even after watching him falling off the $#&% toilet for four seasons of The Osbournes, this should destroy the last bit of faith you have in the decadence of heavy metal: The producers are already comparing the variety show to its 1970’s counterparts, likening it to Sonny and Cher and the Donnie and Marie show!

What the $%*&^??!?

It gets even better. Included in the first six episodes are plans for a game show segment, audience participation segments, and an “Osbournes meet Osbournes” feature, where the famous family spends time with…get this….another family who happen to be named Osbourne.

Are you &*$#% KIDDING us?

All we can say is IF the show doesn’t tank like a torpedo, IF it doesn’t take itself too seriously, and IF (and this is the big IF) the entire family can stay sober long enough to function on the show, then maybe it has a chance.

Why not? Alice Cooper plays golf. Grace Slick paints pictures. We guess it is only fitting. Marilyn Manson has been wanting to take up scrapbooking for a while now, but was concerned it might hurt his demonic image.

Go for it, Marilyn. At least you won’t be onstage singing “Afternoon Delight” with %&$#@ Florence Henderson on the %$@#& Osbournes Variety Hour.

Model Sarah Larson has fond memories and no bitterness when it comes to the relationship she claims to have had with George Clooney.

“George is a great guy, a wonderful person,” the 29-year-old said. “I don’t regret spending time with him, and he’s a great person to get to know.”

Maybe we are scrutinizing the situation too much, but doesn’t that seem like a generic, safe thing to say about the person that you just broke up with? Even if it is a friendly split?

“He’s fun to be around, down to earth, laid back, funny and smart.”

That sounds more like a description of someone that a woman considers a good friend. You know, one of those “I wish I could find someone just like you, but not you, you know what I mean?”

“Most people know George has a great sense of humor and is an adept storyteller, but I will always miss his extraordinary dance moves.”
Hmmm… Funny, flamboyant and a great dancer. Hmmm…

The 47-year-old actor and the model split earlier this year after a year-long…relationship. In September of 2007, the couple were involved in a motorcycle accident in which confirmed bachelor Clooney broke a rib and Larson broke two toes. The following month, two dozen hospital staff members were suspended without pay for illegally looking at Clooney’s private records.

Does George Clooney have something to hide?

Having played the rough n’ tough female hero in films, bombshell Charlize Theron has decided those roles are old hat – and damsel in distress is her interest for now.

The star of action flick Aeon Flux and more recently Hancock wants a hero to sweep her off her feet.

Citing her boyfriend Stuart Townsend (once slated to play an ultimate hero – Aragorn in The Lord of the Rings – before alleged clash of personalities sent him packing after a week in favor of Viggo Mortenson) for softening her, Charlize says “I think every girl wants a hero to sweep them off their feet!”

Furthermore she admitted, “I am massively vulnerable, and for so long I just worked hard to cover that up. Stuart wasn’t scared to confront that.�

As if her views didn’t fly in the face of “females kicking buttâ€�, feminist trends, she added, “He is the one man who never worries about kicking me up the backside.â€�

We’re sure she doesn’t mean literally, but if she does watch out for droves of men with torches and pitchforks storming the Townsend stronghold, enraged by the violation of her smokin’ booty!